missing her and disliking her all at once

I really miss my friend, she used to help me through so much. but i've been thinking of the past things she has said to me. one of the more important things, we were talking about how she didn't have any real girlfriends, after a discussion of me dieing..., anyway, she didn't have any real girlfriends she could just go to and talk with about anything and how it was bringing her down. so i said to her, what about me? sooner or later, i'll be a girl? and what she said, Arg!, it made me so angry (but i couldn't really tell her that at the time, she was my best friend) she said to me, "We both know that will never be true." She never had any faith in me becoming a girl! There is so much i just want to say to her about that, now! I didn't realize that, at the time, she never believed that it was actually possible to change genders. I would always have a boy brain! Honey, i have never had a boy brain! UGH!

whatever, i have church in less then an hour, i gotta finish getting ready

AAARRRGGG!!!!!!

I really hate doing this... but my computer is fucked up. and i need a new one. so here i am, asking people i dont even remotely know for money to get a new computer.

so below there is a paypal button to donate money to me for this new bloody computer. ARRG, i hate having to do this. but i have no way to get any computer right now. and i desperately need a new computer.

it's going to be something about i-am-anonymous's new computer fund for the donation part.

anything helps... a dollar here and there adds up...

The worst part of all this, is, i am having to deal with my friend giving up on me, and now my computer crapping out on me. ugh. this really really really sucks.

My friend

UGH! i really really miss my friend. I wish she never gave up on me. I realize that only once (at least that i've noticed) she lied to me.

It happened this past summer, I was having nightmares about her just giving up on me and getting tired of me, to the point where (surprise) she stopped being my friend. I told her about this nightmare, and her response to what i said was... well reassuring. "I don't drop friends; They drop me." I never forgot that. and now... welll.... now, i see that she was either lieing.... or changed so much that she decided that what she said wasn't worth it. ya know?

point is... she dropped me... she chose to not be my friend anymore by giving up. It's not like you can put a time limit on how somebody heals or changes! Ugh! some people may be like putty and change easily over a short amount of time... and others (me included) may be like granite. I remember hearing something (i think) da vinci said... or whoever it was who did the carvings out of granite.... anyway, he said, that he didn't sculpt the work, the work was already in the slab of granite he just helped it come out. Who is going to be my sculptor? who is going to help me get out of my granite coverings? because right now i have nobody...

My Best friend, she well she isn't my best friend anymore... but she gave up on trying to get me out of this granite... after one year she gave up. if people gave up after a year about, well about anything how would anything be accomplished?

supposedly she is moving out of her parents house this January, if she gave up on me after one year, i think she will be moving back home in about 6-7 months... ya know? because i dont think she can handle the real world... that is if she can't maintain her friends.

yeah......

Well... since i have to go through a lot tomorrow.... i decided that i was going to have a great night tonight. so i went out and bought.... *drum roll*... Make-up! I shouldn't have... My counselor is going to be giving me some... but i just couldn't wait. i guess. Let me say... I feel good... and i'm not even wearing much at all...  but i still feel great!

to put things in a nutshell... my best friend gave up on trying to help me... and she isn't a friend to me anymore... and honestly i think she is/has conspired against me... but i dont know for sure... call it a gut feeling.  but whatever right?

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An online friend of my... she just got engaged to her girlfriend... and it makes me wonder something.... am i going to wind up completly alone... will i ever find somebody to hold onto during scary movies or to be held by during a romantic movie/play? I mean... i can't even keep a friend.... how am i going to kee a boyfriend or whoever... it makes me feel shitty thinking this way.  but whatever right? hopefully i'll survive...

discovery

well, i just figured out what one of my favorite flowers are....is....are... ah who cares! point is i now know on of my favorite flowers! it's called a stargazer lily. and it is beautiful! granted i have only ever seen photos of them, so for all i know i am allergic to them. god, i hope not! with how beautiful they are, it would be horrible to be allergic to them! look it up on google, to see the photo! i dont want to upload one here because i have limited storage space that i dont want to use up on that kind of thing.

but if you dont want to look it up, you can take my word for it, they are gorgeous!

more photos!

i am so happy! i am getting more and more photos that i am in love with! i dont have like hundreds of photos, right now, i only have 2, one up on here, but i am going to have another one uploaded in just a few moments, but first, i just have to say, Yay! i am so happy with what i should look like later on! maybe i'll look better then that even!

anyway, here is the photo. enjoy and tell me what you think!

good

i have been feeling pretty good lately. i took some photos of myself recently. they didnt look that good, but then i did very little editing and they looked better... well one of them did. but i still didn't like it that much. well i uploaded it to my deviant art page anyway. i-am-anonymous.deviantart.com well somebody saw it there and asked me if he could do more retouching on it. i said sure and i sent him a larger and better file. well he took it and made it 200 times better. and it made me feel a whole lot better!

i thought i would share the photo with you
















What do you think?