AAARRRGGG!!!!!!

I really hate doing this... but my computer is fucked up. and i need a new one. so here i am, asking people i dont even remotely know for money to get a new computer.

so below there is a paypal button to donate money to me for this new bloody computer. ARRG, i hate having to do this. but i have no way to get any computer right now. and i desperately need a new computer.

it's going to be something about i-am-anonymous's new computer fund for the donation part.

anything helps... a dollar here and there adds up...

The worst part of all this, is, i am having to deal with my friend giving up on me, and now my computer crapping out on me. ugh. this really really really sucks.

My friend

UGH! i really really miss my friend. I wish she never gave up on me. I realize that only once (at least that i've noticed) she lied to me.

It happened this past summer, I was having nightmares about her just giving up on me and getting tired of me, to the point where (surprise) she stopped being my friend. I told her about this nightmare, and her response to what i said was... well reassuring. "I don't drop friends; They drop me." I never forgot that. and now... welll.... now, i see that she was either lieing.... or changed so much that she decided that what she said wasn't worth it. ya know?

point is... she dropped me... she chose to not be my friend anymore by giving up. It's not like you can put a time limit on how somebody heals or changes! Ugh! some people may be like putty and change easily over a short amount of time... and others (me included) may be like granite. I remember hearing something (i think) da vinci said... or whoever it was who did the carvings out of granite.... anyway, he said, that he didn't sculpt the work, the work was already in the slab of granite he just helped it come out. Who is going to be my sculptor? who is going to help me get out of my granite coverings? because right now i have nobody...

My Best friend, she well she isn't my best friend anymore... but she gave up on trying to get me out of this granite... after one year she gave up. if people gave up after a year about, well about anything how would anything be accomplished?

supposedly she is moving out of her parents house this January, if she gave up on me after one year, i think she will be moving back home in about 6-7 months... ya know? because i dont think she can handle the real world... that is if she can't maintain her friends.

yeah......

Well... since i have to go through a lot tomorrow.... i decided that i was going to have a great night tonight. so i went out and bought.... *drum roll*... Make-up! I shouldn't have... My counselor is going to be giving me some... but i just couldn't wait. i guess. Let me say... I feel good... and i'm not even wearing much at all...  but i still feel great!

to put things in a nutshell... my best friend gave up on trying to help me... and she isn't a friend to me anymore... and honestly i think she is/has conspired against me... but i dont know for sure... call it a gut feeling.  but whatever right?

...

...

...

An online friend of my... she just got engaged to her girlfriend... and it makes me wonder something.... am i going to wind up completly alone... will i ever find somebody to hold onto during scary movies or to be held by during a romantic movie/play? I mean... i can't even keep a friend.... how am i going to kee a boyfriend or whoever... it makes me feel shitty thinking this way.  but whatever right? hopefully i'll survive...

discovery

well, i just figured out what one of my favorite flowers are....is....are... ah who cares! point is i now know on of my favorite flowers! it's called a stargazer lily. and it is beautiful! granted i have only ever seen photos of them, so for all i know i am allergic to them. god, i hope not! with how beautiful they are, it would be horrible to be allergic to them! look it up on google, to see the photo! i dont want to upload one here because i have limited storage space that i dont want to use up on that kind of thing.

but if you dont want to look it up, you can take my word for it, they are gorgeous!

more photos!

i am so happy! i am getting more and more photos that i am in love with! i dont have like hundreds of photos, right now, i only have 2, one up on here, but i am going to have another one uploaded in just a few moments, but first, i just have to say, Yay! i am so happy with what i should look like later on! maybe i'll look better then that even!

anyway, here is the photo. enjoy and tell me what you think!

good

i have been feeling pretty good lately. i took some photos of myself recently. they didnt look that good, but then i did very little editing and they looked better... well one of them did. but i still didn't like it that much. well i uploaded it to my deviant art page anyway. i-am-anonymous.deviantart.com well somebody saw it there and asked me if he could do more retouching on it. i said sure and i sent him a larger and better file. well he took it and made it 200 times better. and it made me feel a whole lot better!

i thought i would share the photo with you
















What do you think?

cruddy feelings

well...i just feel like crap now...

ya see... i have...had... a friend who is pregnant... and while i tried to offer my support... i failed... epically.

a while back she told me to leave her alone... i thought it was because she was being emotional... but apparently i was wrong. because when i offered my support to her... again... i was told that i am F&%*ing creepy. and apparently i scare the shit out of her.

but the part of the message that i got from her, that makes me feel the worst is... and i quote... "so don't ever contact me again or i can find a lot more mean things to say to you, you queer!

oh and get a fucking life and stop hiding behind your computer...you could have said this to me in person you ass!"

and what i said... yeah i could have said in person... but i chose not too. but...but...i dont know.

and all of this is because i tried to be nice. right now i am holding back my tears until after my dad goes to bed... but i am sure after that... i am going to cry my eyes out...

shit

well i just feel like shit. i know it's stupid and i shouldn't think anything of it. but i was just looking at my best friend's top friends on Myspace, and i am not on it. but somebody she met like two weeks ago or so, is on there. maybe i am such freak that i dont deserve friends. that nobody should care about me. is it my fault that i am transgendered? i didn't choose this. if i had the choice i would never have chosen this. i hate it. and right now i am hating myself. i am hating who i am, and what i am. i am hating everything about myself...my body, my mind, my face...everything!

but i know that i need to not think this way. i know that everyone deserves some sort of friend. and everyone should be cared for. but as for the hate, that hatred is still there. and at this point, nothing is changing that. and i still feel like a freak. and these two thoughts are making me feel like this freak doesn't deserve to live....but i need to know that's not true... it's just really hard without anyone around to help me.

and all the thoughts combined are making me extremly depressed :( :( :(

school!

well, as ,i'm sure, most of you know school has started...like a month ago...well i fell really far behind in one of my classes and it caused me so much bloody stress that i am going to drop it. the stress just isn't worth it.

i did tell my best friend's mom about me, and she took it rather nicely, surprisingly. i didn't think she would because she is a very faithful Christian, and i know it says in the bible that i am wrong, but the point that she proved to me was that God loves everyone no matter who they are or what they do! and it's that that matters!

i am getting stressed out because i can't find a job anywhere, and it just sucks. although on the up side of my money situation, in october i have a wedding to shoot and it's going to bring in 200$ and maybe a bit more for prints. and my car that doesn't really run, (hopefully) is going to be sold here in a few days for 500$...sadly though that money is going towards my credit card bills....gotta watch that shopping habit of mine! Just kidding. =P

otherwise, the people i have told are still my friends and are becoming closer because i have told them!

and that's about it for now!

much love
Danie

more thinking

well, there is a book i am reading, that is really causing me to think. what is this book called... The Covenant of God's Love.

so far what i have read, it tells me that God loves me no matter what. Basically it's the Bible, but with like special commentary for certain verses.

and ya know what, after reading this, i can almost say that i am Christian. there are still a few things of doubt in my mind, which i hope will be cleared up by tomorrow, or sometime tomorrow.

i think... i think.... i think i think far too much about things...

Much love
Danie

oh bloody joy

well, last night i got uber depressed, i dont know why, even now i dont know why. so in an attempt to cheer myself up i wore my bra to bed and i didnt' want to get up when my alarm went off... but i knew that i had to. but i also knew that when my alarm went off, my dad would be awake, so i would have to jump up, shut my alarm off, and very very quickly take the bra off, and put it up. i was a little excited because it was scary, fear is always exciting.

thats all for now
much love
danie

tonight

tonight i am going to be telling my best friend's mom about me. i am actually very nervous about it. i am worried that i am going to be kicked out of my best friend's house. but that's about all that i'm worried about. but to me that is a huge deal. dont know how to explain it.

tis about all for now.

Much love
Danie

more photos

ok, mind you i really want to die right now because i can't wear what i'm wearing right now, tomorrow. but i am happy because i got more photos tonight! and i'm posting them here!


Ok, this is my swimsuit! and i know i dont look very fat in it, but trust me i am. i know this because i sucked my gut in. heck i did that on all the photos here.

















My strapless bra, and panties!





















My sexy bra and panties!


and i'll tell you, i feel sexy in this!

















Wearing my blouse, skirt, and even though you cant see them, my sexy bra, panties, and black panty hose!

and it's what i'm wearing right now, as i post these!









Wearing these clothes feel natural as can be, i dont know how to describe it, and i know when i change out of them i am going to feel like i am wearing another person's clothes and i dont want that, but sadly i am going to have to. Damnit, why do these clothes have to feel so natural?!

and i'll be honest, upon futher look onto my picture, i dont really look too much like a guy in drag, somewhat, but not too much, and that makes me feel 10 times better!

Oh, and yet again sorry about the low quality! i'm still waiting for my point&shoot camera

Much love
Danie!!!

every chance i get

i wear my strapless bra! i can't really wear it out of the house, because of my dad. but like when i go to the bathroom or right after my dad goes to bed, or when he leaves for a bit, or whatever else i can get, i put my bra on! i really wish i could wear it all the time! just another reason i can't wait to move out!

and i was wrong, while the swimsuit makes me feel sexy, it's just the same as when i am wearing my redish pinkish bra, but when i wear the strapless bra, i feel so much more sexy! i didn't think i would love it this much! i mean after all that i had heard about them being hard to keep up and everything, i expected something bad, and something i wouldn't wear too often. but damn if i was wrong, it stays up just fine, (probably because it's the wrong size), and i dont know i just love it. now i can't wait to find one that fits! or slim down for this one to fit right!!!

Much love
Danie

Now, i did have to take it off a bit ago, because well i just did, but i didn't want to, and now yet again i feel kinda naked. this just really sucks! i swear when i move out, the very first thing i am going to do when i get home, is put on my bra, and i wont take it off unless i have to! you know, like if i have to shower or something!

this sucks

i am still wearing my new strapless bra, and loving it by the way, but i have to go to bed in like an hour or so, and the problem is, i dont want to have to take the bra off. i love it that much. i would love to be able to wear it to school tomorrow. but i can't. it's not halloween, and if my dad saw, he would probably have a panic attack. I guess the best way to explain it, the reason i want to keep wearing it, other then it feeling natural, it feels like i am being hugged by femininity, and i dont want it to let go. right now, i am wearing my drab clothes (my male clothes) but under neath my shirt, i have that strapless bra on. and it feels so good. damn, i hate my life. i guess all i can say, is that while i hate life, i am so looking forward to my future transition.

Much love
Danie

Update...
Sadly i did eventually have to take the bra off. and now i just feel weird as hell, like naked, but not. i am hoping in a month or so, i will be able to dress up for entire weekends without issues.

but whatever...at this point all i can say is life goes on, and things will happen.

Much love
Danie

clothes photos low quality

just the top part of my swimsuit... i cant get bottoms very easily considering i am using my phone













My strapless bra! Yay, i love it so much, even though it looks like crap. because it doesn't fit me right :(

















what i'm calling my sexy bra, for two reasons.
one. it makes me feel that way
two. it's like a redish pink, and that just screams sexy

sadly though, it doesn't fit me right :( like the bra above















My blouse, it may look dull, but who cares, i love it! and it covers my tan marks from my T-shirt on my arms!!!











Hope you love 'em, cuz i do!!! and sorry about the low quality. my Point and shoot camera wont be here for another week or so :(

what fits and what doesn't and what i would probably not wear

well, my dad finally went to bed, and i got to try on most of my clothes. sadly though, two pairs of panty hose were the wrong kind, i wanted thigh highs, and the one pair that i got that were thigh highs, have runs in them! so that really sucks more! i am going to go back tomorrow to see if they have any others. and as for bras, two of them fit...in very snug way, but i am used to that! i have an interesting bra size. anyway, the skirt and blouse i bought fit perfectly and i love them!!! i haven't had time to try on the swimsuit but i will, and when i do i will just update this part. anyway, i am hopefully going to tell my mom about me in just a few minutes and i am nervous about that. and i have to say, right now, i feel so sexy, wearing these clothes!!!

Update!!! OK, well, the swimsuit fits, but it's rather tight! but from what i can tell all swim suits are like that! but i love it! it makes me feel ever so sexy! what's even better is that one of the bra's that i bought was a strapless bra, and while it is tighter then the other bra that does fit, i love it just as much if not more!!! OMG, this swimsuit feels so good on my body! i feel like i could go and dive in a pool right now!!! sorry about that. but i just love all that i bought today so much!!! oddly enough i am planning on doing a little photo shoot with myself as both model and photographer. i hope to do my own makeup and everything, but no guarantee, on that part... anyway...i'll admit, i wish i didn't feel this good in these clothes. like if these clothes felt awkward or something, i would be able to say that i was normal(who wants that right), but all the clothes and the nail polish and makeup(i've only had a little before) it all just feels so natural! but whatever, right! i'll get some more posts up later. and instead of posting the pics here, on this post, i will create a whole new post for that!

oh, and i told my mom! she seems to be fine with it! one of the reasons i love her so much!

Much love!
Danie

New clothes

ok, so i went to a goodwill store today, and bought a whole new outfit, for under 20 dollars! of course i didn't just buy the outfit. i got three new bras! a swimsuit, i can't wear yet! a skirt! a Blouse! and a few sets of panty hose! i am so excited, i can't wait for my dad to go to bed for me to try them on!!! what shocked me the most today was, there i was in the skirts area, looking through them duh, trying to find one in my size, well this woman and her daughter comes up, and i push out of the way. to my surprise, she said, "dont let us push you out of the way" i couldn't believe that! she didn't think twice of it! and the second thing that surprised me, was there was this old guy working there, and when i was looking for bras, panties, and panty hose, he spoke to me like it was nothing! ethier society is a lot more open, then i think, or i dont know anything about people!

i dont have much else to say, but i'll tell you what, later on when i am trying on these new clothes, i will snap a few pictures on my camera phone and post them here. if they aren't too bad that is!

much love
Danie

pissed

Oh my god! i cannot believe the people on yahoo answers. i asked a simple question. i needed a fake bet, so that i could buy some clothes without being too embarassed. but fucking no! they had to be bastards about it, i got two answers that were ok, and actually helped me. but the other three said that i should either grow up and come out, just buy the clothes without issue because it's halloween, or i dont know, come out of the fucking closet! if i was fucking ready to come out of the damn closet i would have! so i did the only thing i could think of. i deleted the stupid question. and i am going to post a different one. specifically saying, "dont fucking tell me to come out of the closet, im not ready!" of course without the language

arrgghhh!!! they are just so fucking stupid. i know for a fact that if they were really in my exact shoes, they would know not to tell me that! whatever, i dont really care anymore. Fuck!!!

painted nails

ok, i did my test, and it came off pretty easily!!! so now, for the night, my left hand has it's nails painted blue!!! yay! and i am so excited about me buying what i bought!!!

picture is included. yay! again!!!

and sorry about the quality, i took it with my camera phone. but who cares right!

shopping!

i am learning to love shopping for feminine items. today i bought some hair clips and a few other things for my hair. mind you that is nothing, guys buy things like that fairly often. but what you rarely see guys buy is nail polish! i bought three different colors. and tonight after my dad goes to bed, i am going to paint 1 (one) of my nails, just in case, and see how difficult it is to get off after it dries, with nail polish remover! if it's really hard to get off, i am just going to have to wait to wear any of it, until after i move out, which is hopefully soon! because then i will be able to have entire weekends to myself as a girl! but that is later. point is, i got some new awesome things, that i can't wait to try out! if the nail polish comes off easy after drying, i am going to put on a full coat on my left hand and take a picture or two, and post it here! and maybe on my DA page. maybe...

school

it is something i am about to go to! i dont really want to, because i am so nervous about my friend telling her mom about me. her mom is very christian, and while lately i have been having good luck with that, in the past i haven't. but my best friend in the world(the friend above) assures me that her mom should be accepting of me. but i am just scared of what might happen if she doesn't accept me. i could be banished from their house, meaning i will never get to see my friend again...well not so dramatic, but i will only be able to see her at school, and she is so busy, that she can't think about the stress i bring.

Intro

Ok, here i go. I am just going to copy and paste the exact text from a Deviant art account i have. for starters at least

_____________________________________________________

i'm very nervous about this because i am not usually this open about it

i am Transgendered
Broadly speaking, transgender people are individuals whose gender expression and/or gender identity differs from conventional expectations based on the physical sex they were born into. The word transgender is an umbrella term which is often used to describe a wide range of identities and experiences, including: FTM transsexuals, MTF transsexuals, cross-dressers, drag queens, drag kings, genderqueers, and many more. Because transgender is an umbrella term, it is imprecise and does not adequately describe the particulars of specific identities and experiences. (For example, the identity/experience of a post-operative FTM transsexual will probably be very different from that of a female-identified drag king who performs on weekends, but both are often lumped together under the term "transgender.") from http://www.ftmguide.org/terminology.html

bur more specific i am Transexual
An individual whose gender identity does not match the sex that was assigned to them at birth. Many transsexual people will seek hormonal and/or surgical treatment in order to bring their body into alignment with their gender identity. See also "gender identity" and "female-to-male transsexual."

i have not yet started transition but i really hope to start soon! not many people know this about me but they will... they will...

a lot of people don't know or understand any of this. and i am sure that some religious folks out there will say that i am going against God. but since i believe god know everything including that i would be like this, i think this is all in his plan. i know it wasn't my plan for this.

see for the longest time i thought i was a straight man who just happened to crossdress and liked the genitals of other men. but recently...like in the past year or so...i have come to realize that this body of mine is wrong. and that is the truth. but what i find interesting is that even though i realized that i would be much happier being a woman, i still found myself attracted to women...so i guess that i am bi as well. but that's a whatever kind of thing. and there is something i keep telling my self about all this. it isn't my choice. i dont know anyone who would willingly put themselves through this hell. i didn't have a choice in any of it. dont ever tell me this is my choice

i dont follow any religion specifically because none of them would truly accept me for me. but i do believe in God and his plan.

and ya know i wasn't expecting all the favs on my first deviation that i am getting so thank you all so much for that as well!

something i forgot to mention earlier, is something that is a bit odd for most people...as a guy i am very plain, but as a girl, i am kinda goth, i just love their clothes! not a major update, but still an update!

oh, and i am not afraid to admit this, over the past few months i have been kinda suicidal... no attempts... just the thoughts... and one plan... anyway, tonight i had some thoughts again, but i didn't even give them a second thought, probably because my best friend was there for me again! she is just awesome!

i have been thinking about this. and i am sure that there are people out there thinking, like i currently am, that God wouldn't make a mistake like putting me in the wrong body. He is God, God doesn't make mistakes like that. but the only way i can think about how it would work. is Stan.... sorry family guy joke..... Satan, that punk could have caused something to happen in my head that made me like this. but god can't just wave his hand and fix it, he would be interfering way to much if He did that. so God gave me the reasoning, and the determination to fix what Stan has done.... sorry Satan, tis a typo!