shit

well i just feel like shit. i know it's stupid and i shouldn't think anything of it. but i was just looking at my best friend's top friends on Myspace, and i am not on it. but somebody she met like two weeks ago or so, is on there. maybe i am such freak that i dont deserve friends. that nobody should care about me. is it my fault that i am transgendered? i didn't choose this. if i had the choice i would never have chosen this. i hate it. and right now i am hating myself. i am hating who i am, and what i am. i am hating everything about myself...my body, my mind, my face...everything!

but i know that i need to not think this way. i know that everyone deserves some sort of friend. and everyone should be cared for. but as for the hate, that hatred is still there. and at this point, nothing is changing that. and i still feel like a freak. and these two thoughts are making me feel like this freak doesn't deserve to live....but i need to know that's not true... it's just really hard without anyone around to help me.

and all the thoughts combined are making me extremly depressed :( :( :(